You Can Protect Your Kid's Mental Health
Image as seen on the internet
by Melissa Ronan
As the pandemic continues, many people are starting to worry about mental health as much or even more than physical health. The restrictions on seeing friends and going places, and the unprecedented amounts of time we’re spending in close quarters with family members, is leading to or exacerbating feelings of anxiety, sadness, depression, stress and even hopelessness. Experts are talking about the next crisis being a mental health crisis.
But we can take actions to prevent or reduce these pending mental health issues; recognizing this capability and starting to take these measures now will save us needless suffering later. Four basic ideas can provide the foundation for maintaining good mental health, for ourselves and for our children.
1. Prioritize our mental health. For some of us, good mental health has never been easy. Our advantage now is that we’ve developed tools to improve our mental health. And we know that, if we don’t prioritize our mental health, our relationships and our productivity suffer. The tools look a little different for each individual, even those with the same mental health struggles. It is easy to find information online about these tools, both general -- sleep and eat well, exercise regularly, meditate, talk to a trusted friend -- and specific to each mental health issue, e.g. for anxiety, focus on the present. Some people benefit from professional therapy. Pelham Together’s website provides links to organizations that specialize in mental health issues, as well as detailed information on vetted local service providers, including their specialties, fees and contact information. Most providers currently offer sessions by video and/or phone. Our website also includes information on how to find a therapist and on finding affordable mental health care.
2. Model, don’t teach. Children learn by watching. This is a primary reason why prioritizing our mental health is important. We can tell our children to focus on the positive and not to worry, but if they see us dwelling on the negative and hear us worrying constantly, the messages won’t sink in. Children will also learn the tools for good mental health by watching us use them. When you’re anxious and decide to go for a run or meditate to relieve your anxiety, mention it to your children. Hiding our own struggles increases the chances that our children will feel shame over their own mental health issues, and reduces the chance that they will share their struggles with us. Teach children hope and joy too – these will counteract the anxiety, fear, sadness and depression they’re encountering in others and may be feeling themselves. Share with them your hopes big and small -- for a vaccine, for us to go back to work and school, for sharing beautiful summer days at the beach or pool. Share with them your joy over a success at work, a friend stopping by for a socially distant visit, flowers blooming in your garden.
3. Be present, listen, and validate. There is nothing more valuable than simply being present for your children – not just physically, but mentally. Children’s self-esteem, sense of security, and their confidence depend on their parents validating them, not for what they do, but for who they are. That requires being truly present, seeing them, listening to them, focusing on them and loving them. Especially in the current environment, we as parents have endless responsibilities and distractions; we don’t have endless time to focus on our children. But studies have shown that by prioritizing our children at key moments, we can have a significant impact --- greeting them in the morning when they get up, taking time to have a quick lunch with them mid-day, stopping what we’re doing when they come to us with a question or a story about something they want to share, taking 10 minutes to do an activity together, sharing a dinner with the whole family, and having a nighttime ritual of a simple hug or a kiss or reading a book aloud. Most importantly, when children share their feelings, we need to validate those feelings before helping our child to cope: acknowledge their feelings, help them to label their feelings, and then work with them to find effective ways to process those feelings. If your child is struggling with mental health issues you’re not equipped to address, look for expert help online or find them a therapist. Pelham Together’s website lists organizations and local therapists that specialize in mental health issues and diagnosis and treatment of children; the website is searchable by key words.
4. Create a peaceful environment. We all know that the environment children live in significantly impacts their mental health. The circumstances we’re living under are likely the toughest most families have faced. We’re facing stress from all angles: jobs, distance learning, grocery shopping, cabin fever. We’re dealing with grief to different degrees: maybe loss of family members during the pandemic, but also loss of our workplaces, our social lives, our gyms and our privacy, among other things. Under these circumstances, spending all day and night with family members is challenging. But we can find ways to make it peaceful. Keep your sense of humor. Let things slide. Set new rules and implement new routines to make life smoother and more manageable. Have family meetings. Talk through disagreements. You can fight with your spouse, but be calm, respectful and kind. Let your children hear you apologize and reconcile. Apologize to your children if you lose your temper. None of us are going to be perfect, but we can all be good enough to get our children through this challenging time without significant adverse effects.
We are all in this together. We are all facing challenges and learning new ways to cope. By prioritizing our mental health, we can not only survive this situation, but also thrive despite the situation.