"Sometimes, as parents, we feel as though we have failed. . . We haven't failed." By Melissa Ronan, LMSW

September is Suicide Prevention Month. For many of us, this calls to mind loved ones we’ve lost to suicide and all we’ve learned about suicide in the wake of that loss. For others, suicide may seem like a terrifying risk that they know little about. As parents, learning about suicide prevention gives us some control over, and provides us tools that can significantly reduce our children’s risk of, serious mental illness and suicidal ideation.

Mental health, like other important topics, is something we should talk about with our kids from an early age. We have opportunities -- when they have tantrums, or a fight with a friend, or when they’re anxious -- to raise the topic of mental health in simple terms.  We can teach them coping skills like deep breathing, self-compassion, and avoiding black and white thinking, that will help them in the moment but will also become lifelong tools. As our children get older, we can keep adding to their skill set and building their toolbox, so that they are well-prepared as they face the notorious challenges of the tween and teen years.

Another way to help our kids build their mental health is by sharing our own struggles with them. Not in a burdensome way, and maybe not current struggles. But struggles we have faced and have learned to manage. This helps normalize mental health challenges -- like depression or anxiety or OCD and breaks down the shame that people often feel when dealing with mental illness. And of course to dissipate shame, we can use stories in the news, like Simone Biles at the Olympics, that show our kids how common mental illness is, even among famous and accomplished people, and productive ways of addressing it.

Regardless of our best efforts, some children will need more than we can offer to help them navigate emotional challenges. Sometimes, as parents, we feel like we have failed when we reach this point. We haven’t failed; mental illness is a disease, like any physical disease, and we succeed by recognizing it and seeking treatment for our children. Much like our children’s teachers and coaches do in the classrooms and on the fields, trained mental health professionals provide the expertise to continue the work you’ve started at home. Normalizing the role of a professional affects children’s perception of themselves and of their challenges. We all have primary doctors safeguarding our physical health; therapists play a similar role with our mental health. 

But what if our child is diagnosed with a mental illness, is being treated by a professional, and continues to struggle? This was my greatest fear when I became a parent; because I had struggled so much with depression, I couldn’t imagine having to watch my children suffer similarly. What has helped me is recognizing the strength that lies in each of us, and having faith that with support, my children will find their way through just as I did. And learning about mental illness -- whether through articles, books, conversations with your child’s therapist, or even a mental health first-aid class -- empowers us with additional tools to support our children. Pelham Together provides links to these types of resources on our website, and we provide individualized guidance on finding mental health providers.

If your child reaches a point where they seem desperate or hopeless – common signs include loss of interest in friends or activities, severe mood swings, or talk of wanting to die -- you should ask whether they are thinking about suicide. If this is too uncomfortable for you, or you’re not sure how to interpret the signs you’re seeing, contact a professional; even if you don’t have a prior relationship, a professional can help you assess the immediate risk and guide you towards getting the appropriate support. If your child does express suicidal thoughts, reach out immediately to their therapist or take them to an emergency room where they will be kept safe, and a plan will be put in place to help them long-term.

And I urge you to have hope, even if the struggles become substantial. Twice in my 20s, I found myself in an emergency room, desperate for emotional support. I had grown up in the 1970s and 80s, pre-openness about mental health, pre-Prozac, and I hadn’t learned the tools or built the support network that would have helped me cope with depression. Both times, the staff connected me to valuable resources to treat my depression and to teach me to prioritize and manage my mental health effectively. Those experiences, and decades of experience with the mental health system since, both personally and professionally, give me confidence that we can all succeed in navigating our families’ mental health challenges.

Looking for help?
Pelham Together offers a searchable database of mental health professionals, as well as advice on how to find someone, and someone to contact to get more personalized direction. Click here for a link to our page.