Building Self Confidence In Teens: A Conversation With An Expert

Pelham Together is proud to bring this interview with Dr. Gus Haracopos to our community.

Gus Haracopos, LCSW, PhD, a social worker at The Spence School in Manhattan with a private practice in Larchmont, spoke with Melissa Ronan, a board member with Pelham Together, on how parents can help their teens build self-confidence. Dr. Haracopos, and many other vetted local mental health providers, can be contacted through our website at www.pelhamtogether.org/service-providers.

MR: When we talk with parents of tweens and teens, a common question we hear is, "How can I help build my child's self-confidence?” Do you have any suggestions?

GH: The reason behind that dip in confidence is actually related to new abilities that adolescents are developing. An 11- or 12-year-old feels certain about who they are and has a conception of the world that's fairly simple, compared to a 14- or 15-year-old, who suddenly might describe feelings of confusion, being unable to really figure themselves out or figure out their place in the world. Part of what kids need to understand is that the confusion shows that they’re actually taking a developmental step forward.

MR:  It sounds to me like all of a sudden you know what you don't know.

GH: Exactly right, you can go from feeling pretty confident and comfortable to feeling like you're at sea. Hearing that this is a natural part of their development doesn't mean that kids feel less confused, but at least it helps them to think, "Okay, I can't predict where it's going, but I'm on a track that's happening for a reason, and I can stop beating myself up for being so confused.” I think a lot of kids do secondary damage to themselves because they think what's going on shouldn't be happening. They get depressed about it, they feel helpless, and they get angry at themselves for that.

The other change at this stage is a leap forward in empathy, and now they can actually see through their peers’ eyes and read their expression and read their body language. Obviously empathy is great, in their ability to tune in to other people. But it also means that you can put yourself behind the eyes of these other people and then you wonder, “Well, what must that person think of me?” Social media exacerbates the focus and intensity of these thoughts by allowing them to look through the eyes of their peers 24/7.

MR: So as parents, we can explain about development and that these feelings are normal. Is there anything else we can do to help them maintain or re-build their self-confidence during this stage?

GH: To answer that, you have to understand that at the time when adolescence starts to hit, two things happen: the problems get a lot more complicated, and the openness to receive help gets a lot smaller. That means, one, parents have to get even better than ever before at picking and choosing where they're going to weigh in, where they're going to intervene, and two, they have to approach every problem realizing that maybe they're not going to be able to offer a solution.

I think that's really hard, because good parents are used to giving advice. If your teenager is not wanting to hear that, and also the problem is a lot more complicated, then you’ll be more useful as a sounding board, as a coach from the sidelines, as someone they can just dump their feelings on and just get the relief that entails. Unlike earlier stages fo their lives, you won’t necessarily be able to offer them, "All right, here's what you can do about, or here's a step that you can take.”

MR: Hearing you explain what’s happening developmentally, that makes sense. But it’s so hard to stand back when your child is obviously in emotional distress.

GH: I understand that, because at this age, parents can sense that kids are feeling at sea, they are feeling lost. Emotionally, adults want to throw them a life preserver. We want to help them feel solid. But, especially when that comes from parents, that can have the opposite effect. It can cause a kid to think, "Wow, even my mom thinks I'm at sea. Even my dad thinks that I can't get myself out of this box." There you are, 100% believing in your kid and you're there for them, but because of the age they are, they're inclined to read that as a judgment or, "You still think that I'm this little kid, or you don't think I can handle this," which is really off-putting.

 MR: How long does this phase last, where they're in this confused, overwhelmed state?

 GH: Obviously it varies a lot, but I'm going to say about two to three years. What I often notice is if it starts earlier, it usually ends earlier. When parents are dealing with this really intensely at 12 or 13, often by 15 they've passed through the worst of it, where some of their friends are just beginning to get to that place.

 MR: So how do parents know when to make this shift from problem-solving to coaching and supporting?

 GH: I think definitely starting earlier is important, and the preteen years are a good training time. I encourage parents of younger kids, even if your child is not nudging you into that place, even if your child still wants you to give them the advice and give them the answers and walk them through it, try to have the presence of mind to step back and say, "What do you think? Let's try your idea.” Then, one, you're practicing with them. Two, you're showing them that you have more confidence in them than they have in themselves, which is a nice thing to demonstrate.

If you can build up a handful of times where you've taken that approach, later you can go back and say, "Remember that situation? Remember that issue with the teacher? Remember that thing with your buddy? You came up with those things. I was there to help and I'll always be there to help, but that idea was yours, and it really worked for you."

 MR: You mentioned earlier the impact of social media, that it intensifies adolescents’ feelings of insecurity about who they are. Can you say more about that, because I know most parents worry about the effect of social media on their children.

 GH: If parents can help their kids focus on what they’re capable of, what they’re passionate about, what they enjoy doing, that helps the kids stay focused on what is important to them. By doing this, parents can help balance out the effect of social media, which is pulling them to focus on a lot of other things.

 MR: I think this comes back to communication, because you're assuming that the child has even invited a conversation, where you had the opportunity to do the right thing or the wrong thing. What happens if you find that they're not opening up to you at all?

 GH: There’s a long-term solution to that. Something that I encourage parents to do, starting before the teenage years, is trade problems. When kids are younger, parents go to work and there's absolutely nothing interesting that happens. They have a job. As kids get a little bit older, in those preteen years and early teen years, if you're stressed out about a coworker relationship, or if you feel like the boss is making a bad decision and it’s difficult for you, I encourage parents to start sharing those stories.

 MR: Oh, I wouldn’t have thought my kids would be interested in that type of thing going on in my life.

 GH: Well if you're not willing to be vulnerable in that way and put things on the table, what you're teaching your kid is that grownups don't do that. What does a teenager want to do, but be a grownup? Parents need to find ways to model that they have some problems, some confusions, things that they're not sure about. Sometimes parents worry about frightening or upsetting kids, and of course those are big considerations, but kids need to see us struggling with some things.

 MR: I never thought of that, but it makes a lot of sense.

 GH:  They're really watching. When you talk to kids and parents, even the most rebellious 16-year-old is usually a lot more like one of their parents than they would ever think, or than their parents would ever think, in terms of how they approach things.

 MR: So it’s not really that they don't want to talk to you, but that they're protecting their ego in not sharing things with you?

 GH: Yes. A 16-year-old boy has this image of who he wants to be in the world, and he's projecting that image, and he can pretty much convince himself into thinking that everybody sees that — his friends, his teachers, his teammates. But he can never convince himself into thinking his mom or his dad sees this new image of him. Just when he is trying so hard to hold up this front, his mom looks at him, and all of a sudden he feels like a little kid again. The history, for those couple of years, really works against that relationship being as close, because letting you in is equivalent to letting you help, letting you be in charge. They need to get a little older, a little more under their belt, a little more self-confidence, before they can come back and reconnect and know they're not going to slide back into that helplessness.