by Melissa Ronan, Pelham Together Board Member

Although I’ve been married for 25 years and been a mom for 23, it’s still hard for me to imagine how parents of school-aged children are managing these days. My husband and I benefited from several rounds of marriage therapy over the years, and I’d highly recommend it for couples who are feeling the strain of parenting together through the pandemic. 

Pre-pandemic studies show that marital satisfaction follows a U-shaped curve, with the lowest satisfaction ratings while children are school-aged, when there are endless responsibilities to divvy up, important financial decisions to make, unending discipline decisions to negotiate, and jobs to juggle. The pandemic increases these usual stressors -- and adds the extra burden of managing children’s emotional reactions to Covid itself, to their adapted social lives, and to virtual or hybrid learning. With all of these factors combined since March, couples have been under unfathomable stress.

Many of us weren’t taught how to constantly compromise and co-exist with another human being day in and day out; in fact, we learned by watching our own parents, who might not have been perfect role models. Therapists can help us understand each other better, assist us in negotiating recurring or difficult issues, and teach us skills to move forward. Marriage therapy is commonly misperceived as appropriate only for relationships that are in serious trouble. In fact, marriage therapy is more effective before problems become deep-seated. 

Periodically engaging in marriage therapy facilitates more effective communication, prevents resentments from building, and strengthens the positive aspects of a relationship. Here are some examples of what my husband and I have learned from marriage therapists:

 1. Prioritize your relationship. Regularly schedule time together --  it shows you value your relationship and reminds you what you love about each other. When our kids were young, it was tempting to sacrifice our date nights to socializing with friends, the kids’ endless sporting events, or zoning out in front of the TV. But every couple can find time, if only 15 minutes, to put everything aside and re-connect. You don’t need to go on a date or spend money; you can cook a meal together, exercise, or sit in a favorite park. If you can’t find a babysitter, wait until the kids are in bed or explain that it’s important for you two to have some time alone. And don’t worry about your kids needing you; they will ultimately benefit from their parents having a more connected and positive relationship.

2. Decide to be loving. Our society tends to characterize love as a feeling that we either have or don’t, based on external factors. At a marriage retreat during a particularly tough time for us, the most important point I came away with was this: we may not always feel loving, but we need to make the choice again and again to act loving. It’s not easy, but it does keep us committed until the situation gets better.  

3. Give in when it’s important to the other person. Marriage inevitably involves compromise. (I distinctly remember when we had been married 16 years, thinking to myself, I can’t possibly continue to compromise this often. But here we are, nine years later.) To find a compromise that’s effective for the immediate issue and that benefits our relationships long-term, we each have to communicate honestly about how important any given issue is to us. 
Here’s an example: I used to leave things out after I used them, creating a trail of items all over the house, and my husband kept complaining about the clutter. After ten years of arguing, we brought the issue to a professional. Our therapist -- who never took sides -- pointed out that it was important to my husband to have an orderly house, and it wasn’t important to me to clutter up the house. Her analysis made it clear that I should pick up after myself. Acknowledging the other person’s point of view and adapting your behavior accordingly builds feelings of gratitude and appreciation, instead of resentment and anger.

4. Otherwise you may win the battle but lose the war. When one person refuses to back down on an issue, their spouse may capitulate. But be wary of having “won” if you suspect or know that your spouse felt strongly about their original position – your spouse may feel unheard, angry, or resentful for what they gave up. Over time, these feelings can linger and ultimately cause significant problems in the marriage.

5. Recognize your own role. It’s tempting when we fight with our spouse to blame them and become defensive, resentful, or angry. In the early years of our marriage, this was often my habit. Our therapist gently pointed out that rarely is only one person at fault. I learned from our therapist how to step back and look at my own role more objectively. She also pointed out that we each bring our patterns of communicating and handling conflict to our relationships with family members, friends and colleagues. So self-examination has broad benefits. 

6. Keep a sense of humor. I can’t overstate this. A sense of humor makes marriage doable. I would say this has been the key to us surviving twenty-five years together.

Pelham Together’s website lists service providers who offer marriage counseling (search for “couples therapy” in the drop down menu under service providers). Most providers’ fees are listed; some of the more affordable options are digital services, such as Regain, and mental health clinics, such as Alssaro Counseling Services. Because of Covid-19, most therapists are now conducting therapy by video, and digital services like Regain are always by video.