Parents need one another! That was the impetus behind the events during January 2020 organized by Pelham Together around the new book, Grown & Flown: How to Support Your Teen, Stay Close as a Family, and Raise Independent Adults . Authors Lisa Heffernan and Mary Dell Harrington, are the co-founders of the #1 parenting blog and online resource for parenting teenagers. Described by reviewers as “the book we’ve all been waiting for,” and “an invaluable guide for parents,” Grown & Flown came to Pelham and we are all better for it!

  On January 16th and 22nd, Pelham Together hosted two book clubs at the homes of Toni Biaggi and Amy Conway, respectively. They were both “sold out,” which is testament to how we all crave making these connections. Parents were excited to share ideas, learn from one another, extend and receive support in the intimate setting of these lovely homes. Grown & Flown is organized by topics such as family life, academics, anxiety and mental health, college life, health, etc. through a collection of perspectives from the very best of parenting writers, bestselling authors, and national experts in healthcare and education. Whether it was the small-group setting, the well-defined discussion guide, or people’s desire to connect, parents comfortably shared thoughts and asked questions on a number of topics—the benefit to taking honors classes, how to support, not dictate, a child’s decision-making process, and ideas for promoting open and honest communication as they get older, to name a few. Despite differences in parenting styles and stages of life, parents appreciated listening to those who are living and have lived through similar situations in raising older teenage and young adult children. One participant noted, “sitting across from an actual person and sharing ideas—even if I disagree—is so refreshing as opposed to the more impersonal world of social media. Makes me feel so much more connected to my community.”

With the momentum from the book clubs, Pelham Together, in partnership with PMHS PTA, welcomed the two authors to Pelham on January 27, 2020. Lisa Heffernan and Mary Dell Harrington spoke to an audience of parents about some of the key take-aways in the book. They began by setting the stage on which they dove into this work—with a deep belief that parenting never ends and that none of us should travel alone during the years between the day our child receives a driver’s permit to the young adult period following college graduation. They described the stage of parenting teens as one that is defined by a decline in “parenting efficacy,” or the sense of confidence we have in our parenting. Unfortunately, it is also the time that our parenting experts abandon us in that it becomes much harder to tap into resources and advice.  And because times and circumstances of being a teenager have changed dramatically since we were teens, we can’t rely on those experiences to inform our parenting either. The authors argue, however, that these are precisely the reasons we need to connect to one another and why they wrote their book. Tapping into the robust number of experts interviewed for the book and the rich collection of anecdotes and stories from parents and teens across the country, Lisa and Mary Dell brought our audience a wealth of information and resources.

In discussing the issues of stress, anxiety and mental health, the authors raised a number of important points about how parents can teach very specific messages to help their teens. First, that not all stress is bad—several experts in the book describe how this generation of children have heard over and over that stress should be avoided at all costs, and parents spend a lot of time trying to eliminate all stress from their kids’ lives. Instead, they argue, we should spread the message that stress is actually part of life, and rather than focus on eliminating it, empower our kids with ways to identify what stress level is okay for them and to “find their constant.” Citing the authors of Thrive U, Daniel Lerner and Alan Schechter, a person’s “constant” is their outlet for calming themselves and bringing their stress level down—whether music, time with friends, TV re-runs or video games. Teenagers should identify their “constant” before going off to college so they have that tool when managing stress on their own. Another explicit message they recommended that parents both share with their older children and absorb themselves was the expectation that our kids should be able to do everything well. Instead of succumbing to the outside pressure to excel across the board, let your kids choose subjects, activities, and interests to focus on and loosen the pressure to excel in everything else.

The authors also spent time sharing stories and science around the very real differences in the teenage brain versus the adult brain and how that information can help parents understand the emotional ups and downs of this age group. One expert they interviewed is Dr. Frances Jensen, neuroscientist and author of The Teenage Brain: A Neuroscientist’s Survival Guide to Raising Adolescents and Young Adults. Dr. Jensen’s work makes neuroscience accessible to parents and is an excellent resource for understanding how fundamentally different the young brain and the adult brain actually are, and how this difference explains so much about their capacity to make decisions and the effect of parental influence. One such example is a Yale research study that found that teens who knew how much their parents disapproved of their drinking while in high school would drink less, not only in high school but through all four years of college as well; sending clear messages about expectations has a lasting effect.

There was an interactive Q&A session, yet another opportunity for Pelham parents to connect not only with our guests but with one another. Lisa and Mary Dell encouraged everyone to continue these connections, certainly within Pelham but also to consider the Grown & Flown community (with a very active Facebook group of 140,000 members, active weekly email list) as a way to access a larger and diverse virtual community. Anyone wishing to sign up for their emails can do so at grownandflown.com. They will also post anyone’s comment anonymously to the Facebook group, if you email them your question directly at grownandflown@gmail.com.

As one of the experts in the book, Dr. Dr. Kenneth Ginsberg from University of Pennsylvania, states, “We thrive best, and indeed survive, when we remain connected. Although we raise our children to be able to fly on their own, we must also prepare them to understand connection is the most important force in their lives.” Thank you to Lisa Heffernan and Mary Dell Harrington for connecting Pelham around this fantastic book and resource.